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When A Door Opens Or Let's Make A Deal

I’m a creature of habit. This means that nothing throws me more off kilter than change. The funny thing is that nothing exhilarates me as it does. I believe that’s due to the anxiety that change causes which in turn pushes me to move past the fear and adapt – there’s excitement in newness and I love a good challenge.

At the end of January 2005 I’ll be moving to Red Deer, Alberta. I bet it’s not a surprise when I say that I’m presently fit to be tied. This upheaval of life has me scared of the unknown. As I’ve heard said many times before, “Better the devil that you know than one you don’t”. There’s a safety in familiarity. Yet at the same time I’m enthusiastic and excited about my future. And the frenzy that comes with the physical part of the move has me energized.

I’ve had relocating on my mind for a while now. However, as per my usual ways with larger decisions, I made my choice in a flash and haven’t looked back. In my past I have been known for my huge leaps of faith. When I was younger my mother used to tell me that I had more guts than brains and believe that in many instances she was right about that. What’s ironic is that it can take me months to decide to change my long distance plan with whatever phone company I’m with.

These days my moods are swinging anywhere from ecstatic to terrified. My only consolation is that it’s perfectly normal. I’ve never heard anyone say that they felt uneasy because things are familiar to them. What I am sure of is that my fears are nothing more than stories I am making up about what could go wrong. The thought that something will come up that I’m not able to handle. I keep forgetting that in the past 40 years I have had many new experiences, some wonderful and some terrible. The great news is that I’m still here to tell about them. Yes I have survived. At times I have even thrived.

I may not have ever had the experience of living in Red Deer, however, I have lived in Montreal, Vancouver and Toronto. I know what it’s like to be in a new city. I can handle that. I know what it’s like to build a psychotherapy practice from the ground up. I can manage that too. Actually when I look at any of my fears I realize that, in one way or another, I have some kind of frame of reference from my past. I may not have had the exact same experience, yet there is something I have done in the past where I was just as scared for the exact same reasons. I can always refer to how I tackled that situation.

A new door is opening and I’m making a new deal – this is my Monty Hall moment.

What I can’t forget is that one door is closing. The reality of this hit me like a brick the other day. I had spent the afternoon with a friend. Later that afternoon I was thinking of my friend when I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I let myself get in touch with the emotion. Grief. When a door closes there is mourning to do. It’s not a conscious decision; it’s a necessity of the soul. It’s the recognition of what will be no more and the love that we have for what is. That doesn’t necessarily mean that things are ending for me or anyone else in mourning. It means that things are shifting. They will no longer be as they were. I will not be speaking to those people I love in Toronto as often as I do now. I most certainly will not be seeing them as frequently. It’s part of the agony and the ecstasy of change. What I understand is just how important it is for me to allow the grieving a time and space to be. Without it I will never completely close the door, which means I won’t fully be open and able to see all the new doors of opportunity in front of me. No one can walk through a new door while facing the old one – not without a lot of bumps and bruises.

Look out Red Deer here I come.


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