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Unconditional Love

The topic of love has come up a lot lately with friends and clients. Mostly surrounding what love and unconditional love is.

First let’s take a look at some myths about love and unconditional love.

Unconditional love is accepting all of someone’s behaviors or words:
Just because you love someone unconditionally does not mean that you have to accept all their words and actions, especially if someone is crossing your boundaries on how you choose to be treated. Though it is much more difficult, it’s also much more loving to tell that person how their behavior affects you and that it’s not acceptable. When you state your boundaries to someone they have the opportunity to see self-respect and self-love in action. You are teaching by example and that’s a wonderful gift to both of you. If the other person’s behavior still persists you may have to end the relationship, whether for a specific amount of time or indefinitely. Letting them know that you need to end the relationship and why are still setting an example and a loving gift to the both of you.

What unconditional love does mean is that you recognize that a person is valuable and worthy of love, no matter what they say and do. It means that you understand when someone is being hurtful it’s because they are hurting and lashing out; when you can empathize with their pain it is easier to forgive because you are not taking them personally. It means that no matter how you are being treated by another you wish them well and have good will towards them. You respect that they are a unique being with their own thoughts and values that you don’t have to agree with. You recognize that the person is whole, therefore, you don’t try to fix them because you know that they aren’t broken To love someone unconditionally you understand that they are a divine soul having a human experience; you see them in their divinity and humanity, and you appreciate and have compassion for them because you know that it’s not easy integrating your divinity and humanity together. As well, unconditional love means you respect someone enough to tell them NO or say good-bye when your boundaries are crossed, and are still able to love them because you recognize all the above in them.

Love is doing everything you can for someone else:
As the old expression goes - give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and feed him for life. When a person, whether an adult or a child, has everything done for them they don’t learn how to take care of themselves. If you need to do everything for someone what message does that send to the person about their competency? People need to take care of their own things in order to feel self-assured and competent. Sometimes we will do everything because it hurts us to watch someone else hurt, however, in those moments we need to learn to be with our own pain and discomfort to really do what is loving for the other person.

Love is an emotion:
Many times people have told me that they are not sure if they have ever been in love. They aren’t sure what love feels like. That’s because love is not an emotion or feeling. I mean ask yourself, what does love feel like? I bet you used other emotions to describe love. When we love we may feel joy, excitement, lust, anxiousness or a general feeling of good will towards someone, etc.; that’s not love because those emotions have their own names and sensations in the body. So what is love? Hold on to your hats here, and you may want to sit down…love is a choice. No I haven’t flipped my lid. In every thing we do and in every way we respond to other people in that moment we choose to either come from our highest space of compassion, empathy and good will or a lesser space inside of ourselves. When we decide to approach ourselves or other people from that higher place we are choosing to love. In every moment, if we can just stop our and think for a second instead of just reacting, we have the opportunity to choose to love. No matter what the situation.

Now let’s talk about what love is.

Let’s start with the “Principles & Skills of Loving” by Jerry and Elisabeth Judd.

Principles Of Loving
More than anything else, we want to love and be loved.
Love is a gift.
Love is not time bound.
Love is good will in action.
Love is a response to need.

Skills Of Loving
Seeing: I do not look over or through you. I see you in your uniqueness.
Hearing: I listen to what you are saying.
Honoring of Feelings and Ideas: I recognize your right to feel and think as you do.
Having Good Will: I will you good and not evil. I care about you.
Responding to Need: If you let me know what your needs are, within the limits of my value system, I will not runaway. I will be there for you.

How about we take a look at each of these principles and skills one by one.

Principles of Loving

More than anything else, we want to love and be loved.
We have all done things in order to please others or get approval. All we are really looking for is to be loved. The greatest human condition is that we have a need to know ourselves as lovable. After all, our true divine nature is nothing but love, essentially love is what we are. The human experience is about awakening to the fact that we are love and helping others realize it as well.

Love is a gift.
Because love is choice that can be made in any given moment. It is a gift that is both given and received by the giver. The giver receives the gift of joy that exists in watching someone else receive compassion and understanding. The giver gets to experience the good he or she is doing in that moment. How wonderful is that?

Love is not time bound.
We can choose in any moment whether to respond to someone from that positive or a negative place. The choice to love does not have to be tied to how someone else is behaving. This also means that even if we are no longer in a relationship, of any kind, we can choose to love them if that means nothing more than recognizing their hurt that caused us pain and having good will towards them.

Love is good will in action and Love is a response to need.
Each of our actions towards others and ourselves is a demonstration of love. We treat others how we wish to be treated. We act with another’s best interests at heart. That doesn’t mean what we think their best interests are. We instead ask how we can be of service to them and listen their exact request. And that doesn’t mean going against our better judgment – see the skill called Responding To Need.

Skills of Loving

Seeing:
I do not look over or through you. I see you in your uniqueness. I won’t ever believe that I have come to know you so well that I take your attributes for granted. I do not interpret your actions in order for me to make sense of them. If I do not understand your actions I ask you what your intention is. This gives me an opportunity to see you with new eyes every time we meet, and discover new things about you. In this I learn that there is no one else exactly like you and I appreciate you for this.

Hearing:
I listen to what you are saying. When I am present with you, and you are speaking, I stop my thoughts and give you my full attention. If I do not understand what you mean I ask you. Therefore, I am not interpreting what you say and hearing what I think you mean. I take what you are saying at face value and have faith that you will say exactly what you mean. Reading between the lines is not my responsibility.

Honoring of Feelings and Ideas:
I recognize your right to feel and think as you do. I understand that that feelings and ideas are neither right nor wrong. I respect that you are entitled to your own unique feelings and ideas. I love you whether or not we have the same opinions or agree with one another. It is part of how I see you in your uniqueness.

Having Good Will:
I will you good and not evil. I care about you and wish you only good things.

Responding to Need:
If you let me know what your needs are, within the limits of my value system, I will not runaway. I will be there for you. I will help you with your needs, as long it requires an action(s) where I remain true to myself. It will also have to be within my time restraints. I will not runaway because I am safe speaking my truth around whether or not I can be of service to you. Given that we are one, I know that when I am being true to myself I am being true to you as well.

Practice the skills of love at every opportunity – especially with yourself.


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