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Support Is Not A Four Letter Word

I've been thinking a lot lately about support. How exactly how I want to be supported and who I want to be supported from, in other words, what does support mean to me. The greatest question I had to ask myself was what is my responsibility in getting the support that I need.

Now there was a time in my life when I played a bizarre game where the rules are that no can win; it was a game about losing. The game is called If You Really Love Me Then You'll Give Me What I Need Without My Having To Ask. The premise of the game is that the other person knows what you need because they love you (this translates to - they're a mind reader). My role in the game was simple; I was an unlovable and misunderstood victim. Sometimes I would give the unfeeling oaf who denied me what I needed the silent treatment, and if they asked what was wrong I would tell them that nothing was wrong; as I had to punish them for their insensitivity and make them beg for an answer - how passive aggressive is that! Other times I would put on a long face and pout. If that didn't get their attention then I would pace in front of them with my sour facial expression. If I were still not getting what I wanted then I would leave the room in a huff. And if they weren't coming to get me and begging me to tell them what was wrong I would open the door and slam it. If all of this didn't get me the reaction I wanted, usually sympathy and an apology as I was feeling terribly sorry for myself (remember my role in the game), I would go to the room they were in and start yelling at them. As you can imagine that one worked well...NOT.

These days I accept that I'm not a mind reader and neither is anyone else. For that matter even if I have previously asked a friend for specific support/help that doesn't mean the same person will remember and offer me the exact same thing the next time he/she sees me in the same state of mind or situation. And I may not want the exact same thing either, as I don't always need the same kind of support in similar situations. I change and grow regularly and as I do my needs change. Sometimes I can't keep conscious of my changing needs, how can I expect someone else to!

The key to getting the support you want is to ask, ask, ask and ask again. For some people this may be easy to do, and for others this is a difficult thing to do. For those that it is difficult for, and I am one of them, it means humbling ourselves; putting the unhealthy part of our egos aside. That part of us that feels we should be able to do everything on our own. However, asking for support is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of understanding the true nature of being human - we are not perfect, we have limitations and we need others in our life. It is about accepting that we have skills that we excel at and other skills that we have less strength at, or that we may just be learning; there is no shame in that. Asking for support/help is one of the most self-loving things we can do for ourselves. It gives us room to breathe in our moments of need, eases the feelings of frustration and isolation, and gives us the opportunity to be true to ourselves.

Aside from asking, it is important to be very specific when you're asking another for support. For example if you want to ask your spouse/partner for help around the house, asking him/her for more help will not get you the results you want. How are they supposed to know what "more help" means to you? Instead you can ask them to do the dishes every other night, make the bed each morning, and vacuum twice a week. Now you are telling them exactly what you would like from them. There is no room for misunderstanding, which is the main reason for being specific. This applies whether you are looking for more attention from someone, wanting someone to listen without offering advice, or anything else you can possibly ask for. There is no doubt that taking time to be sure of what you are asking for is easy to do if you are in the planning stages of asking someone for help/support. However, even if you are having an on the spot conversation you can tell the other person what you feel you need in general, like more help around the house, and then state that you have not had the time to sit down and think about exactly what you would like from them, and that you will take time to consider it and get back to them in a specific amount of time. It's very important to get back to them in the time frame you stated or your request may not be taken seriously. By all means let the other person know that this is important to you.

The last thing to remember in asking someone for support is to put all expectations aside. The person you are asking has the right to say no. Be willing to listen to what they have to say about their own needs and limitations. You may be asking for something that they can't give of themselves, and that's perfectly fine. I promise that you would much rather have them be honest than to be disappointed, and possibly frustrated and hurt by them offering a feeble attempt that isn't meeting your needs. You can always ask someone else for support if the situations allows for that, such as needing someone to listen to you talk out a dilemma. In situations, such as needing more help around the house, where there is a specific person involved and he/she is unable to help you - don't fret just yet. Ask them in what way they can support you. If the answer is satisfying to you great. If not, there are alternatives such as getting a cleaning person in; don't hesitate to mention other choices that are available. If neither of you can think of any other options then you can make an agreement that both of you will take time to consider alternatives and set a date to get together and discuss it.

What you need to determine for yourself is if your particular need from a specific person cannot be met can you continue the friendship/relationship. Does your need not being met affect your physical and emotional health? This can be very important, for example in a relationship where your partner is being verbally abusive and you are asking him/her to stop. In this case you may consider giving up the relationship or seeking couple counseling.

No matter what the situation you deserve to be supported whether by a friend, family member, employer, lover or spouse. Give yourself an ultimate gift and ask for what you need. The more you ask the easier it gets to ask, and the closer you get to living the life you desire.


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