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Procrastination
Queen
I
am always amazed at the way I put things off until a better
time. In other words, I am the procrastination queen. The
problem is that a better time never comes. Instead I
begrudgingly do what I have to do at the last minute
feeling the weight of the world upon my shoulders. As a
matter of fact, I notice that I almost always have that
weight upon my shoulders because in the back of my mind I
always know that the deed(s), whatever it is, is looming in
front of me like Goliath. It just so happens that my name
isn't David.
I have been this way my whole life. Now I have to admit
that in some respects I have gotten better with time. These
days I will fill the Brita pitcher at the half way mark
because I appreciate having cold water when I'm thirsty.
When the toilet paper is getting low on the roll I will get
another one so I don't get stuck without any at a future
date. When I am going to be out late, knowing that I will
be tired when I get home, I turn down the bed so I can just
hop in (that's if I have made my bed up at all that day). I
try my hardest to cook for the week on Sundays because I
know that if I don't then I get ravenous last minute and
grab anything instead of eating healthy. Yes - I have
gotten better with many of the little things at least.
There are some bigger things that I have gotten better at
too. For instance I really enjoy swimming and I am no
longer putting off getting into a bathing suit until I lose
weight. I mean how the heck I am supposed to enjoy getting
the exercise I need, in order to help myself lose weight,
if I wait until I lose weight? Where is the sense in that?
I no longer put off starting a diet until Monday. I start
any day of the week and usually every day of the week!
Unfortunately I am still the most successful on Mondays. I
most certainly don't make New Years resolutions because I
never keep them. Most importantly I have learned never to
put off doing something that will make me happy because of
time, money, or my arch-nemesis weight. It's these bigger
things that keep us from living the life we really choose
to live.
In the past I put off many things waiting until I was good
enough. Not good at whatever action I wanted to take - good
enough just being me. I spent years telling myself that I
have to be thin enough to do this and I need to have a
certain amount of money to do that. I put off so much of
life waiting until I was or had enough. Then something
snapped. Who was I waiting to be or have enough for? I had
friends and family that wanted to swim, dance and laugh
with me. So who wasn't I enough for? Of course the answer
was me. It was myself that believed that I had to be a
certain way, make a certain impression upon people, and
worst of all live up to others expectations of me. The
absolute truth is that I wasn't living up to my
expectations of myself.
The fact of the matter is that I will never live up to the
expectations that I used to have of myself. It's impossible
because I'm a perfectionist and I will never be perfect.
Every time I set out to do something I have to question if
I am being realistic in my goals; because if my
perfectionist kicks in when I create the goal then I'm
sabotaging myself by making an unreachable goal. If I
sabotage myself then I'm going to end up having an inner
dialogue where I massacre myself. When I berate myself to
know end I am far less likely to make new goals, as I am
afraid of not reaching the goal and berating myself again.
If I am not making new goals then I am back to
procrastinating which causes more self-beratement. Which
then causes my perfectionist to kick in and I make super
goals again - which starts the whole process off at the
beginning. Not only is this roller coaster ride a vicious
circle - it's absolute insanity!
It's in these moments that I work at remembering that "now"
is the only moment that exists, and I deserve the very best
that life has to offer right now. Sometimes I may forget
it, however, my higher power knows it and if I just get out
of my own way that energy has more beautiful things waiting
for me than I could ever imagine.
If you've been putting off things until a better time
please think again. Actually don't think about! Take five
deep breaths and make a move toward your dreams - go as
fast or as slow as you need to - just take that first step.
Follow your instinct they know the direction to
take!
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