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A Lesson In Friendship

Last month I learned a valuable lesson about speaking one's truth, the courage it takes and the beautiful gifts that come from it.

I was on the phone with a friend who was having a difficult time and needed to talk about it. We were at a point where I was telling her my impression of her situation, and the positive ways I saw her within that situation when my call waiting beeped in. I asked her to hold for a moment. When I went back to my waiting friend she asked if the other call had been important. I told her no and continued on, with some difficulty remembering where I had left off before I interrupted our conversation. It only took a few seconds until I stopped in my tracks realizing that her question was meant to send me a message. I asked her if I had missed something in her question, and that I wanted to know what was going on for her.

My friend summoned her courage and told me that before I answered the other phone line she had been feeling better about things, however my leaving her in her time of need left her starting to feel worse again, since the momentum in the conversation had just died. I was slightly taken aback. I realized I had just unintentionally hurt my friend, however I didn't understand why she was so hurt. My friend asked if I would answer the phone if I were in the middle of a session with a client. I told her that of course I wouldn’t, as it would leave my client feeling as if they didn't matter and that I didn't care. After saying that out loud the reality of my friend's hurt hit me with a bang. I apologized profusely and we went on about what had happened between us and how we both felt about things. In the end she thanked me for listening to her, acknowledging her feelings, and apologizing. I thanked her for having the courage to speak her truth and teaching me a great lesson in how to be a better friend.

How many conversations or situations have been in where someone said or did something to unintentionally hurt you? When it happened did you let the other person know how you were feeling? Not that you didn't appreciate what they said or did, or that you felt their actions were right or wrong (fighting words), but really expressed how the other person's words or actions affected you. If you did congratulations. If you didn't, how was your friendship affected? Did that friend ever do the same thing again because they didn't know that it hurt you in the first place? Remember that people are less likely to listen when you use words of blame, and more likely to listen when you let them know the effect that their actions or words had on you.

It takes great courage to let someone know that they've hurt us - it takes the courage to show our vulnerability; for most of us that isn't a safe thing to do. We tend to worry that others will think there is something wrong with us, or worse, use what they have learned about us against us. Yet that fear keeps us from developing meaningful intimate relationships with others, and more importantly ourselves. You see we have to be aware of and accept how we are honestly feeling in the moment. That is the mark of being intimate with ourselves, which opens the door for us to be intimate with others. For much more about this please see the article titled Intimacy.

They say that the truth shall set you free. This has never been more proven to me than in having had this experience and in receiving the gifts that came with it. I have walked away knowing that my friend has the confidence in me to be her authentic self with me. That leaves me feeling very loved and cared for by this friend, and loved by myself, as allowing this process created space for me to be my authentic self. She also gave me the gift of allowing me to see something from another perspective. This will no doubt make me a better friend to others. The point is that by not fearing being vulnerable and speaking her truth, my friend not only gave herself permission to express herself freely, she gave me some wonderful gifts as well.

Human beings learn best by example. Next time someone unintentionally hurts you give them the gift that truly keeps on giving, show them your authentic self and offer them the opportunity to show you their authentic self. Watch your relationships grow.

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