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Intimacy

For the past couple of months the topic of intimacy has been playing on my mind. Intimacy, you see, was something that I thought I had mastered. However, I was starting to have doubts about my mastery. I clued in to this when I found myself in a conversation and holding back from what I really wanted to say. It wasn't that I was worried about hurting the other person's feelings or disclosing something awful about myself. There was something about how I was feeling in that moment -- hurt to be exact -- that I didn't want to disclose. I was afraid of how the other person would perceive me for feeling hurt. Would I be perceived as weak, infantile, needy, or even worse, would my feelings be dismissed? Dismissal would have caused me further hurt and anguish.

I had thought that intimacy was the ability to speak openly about myself. And while that is true it is only a small part. It's not just disclosing the daily things I do and think which create intimacy. It's disclosing the way I am honestly feeling in that moment, to that person that is in front of me, in regards to what he/she is relating to me. I learned this thanks to a group of friends who are truly in the midst of mastering intimacy.

Not too long ago I was sitting around with this same group of people that I love and trust dearly. The topic of how people relate to one another came up, and though I was feeling embarrassed about asking the question, I forged ahead and asked it anyway. What is intimacy? My feeling of embarrassment was relieved immediately when a beautiful lady said, “What a great question”. Sigh & relief, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Looking back this was my first lesson, that day, on how to be intimate. There were many more lessons to come that day.

Different people in the group started sharing their views on intimacy. I can't remember everything that everyone said, so here is what grabbed my attention and has obviously stuck with me. One woman, an extremely beautiful soul, told us that to her, intimacy was definitely about being able to express her honest feelings in the moment. Firstly to herself, and then to the person she is relating to.  Furthermore, it went hand in hand with allowing herself to be vulnerable. I think I felt the ground shake when she said this. These are two powerful statements.

When was the last time someone said something to you, either negative or positive, and you allowed yourself the luxury of totally being aware of how you felt in that moment, and then allowed yourself to be totally vulnerable by expressing it? Let's take a deeper look at what this actually involves.

Someone says something positive to you; it's a comment that leaves you feeling beautiful. Inside you're jumping for joy and you want to tell the person that their comment left you feeling beautiful. However there is also that fear, or that nagging voice in your head, "if I say that will the person think I am conceited, vain, or will they laugh at me?" At that point do you open yourself up, allow yourself to be vulnerable and say what's on your mind? Or do you let a moment of true intimacy pass?

If you think that is hard, you can only imagine how it works if you're feeling a negative emotion. We don't necessarily want people to know we actually get angry, sad, confused, or feel any negative emotion at all. Being judged by another can really hurt.

Back to the group, the beautiful lady, who eased my embarrassment earlier, related to us what someone once told her. And I love this one, intimacy = into me I see. In order to create intimacy with someone else you have to be able to be in touch with yourself, and where you're at in the present moment. Most importantly you have to be able to honest with yourself and allow yourself those feelings even if you don't like them. It's about you getting real with yourself.

In response a wonderful man in the group commented that since intimacy is about more than one person, that into you I see is also an important factor. In wanting to be able to have that vulnerability we have to allow others their opportunity for it. And we have to be open and be sensitive to the other person's vulnerabilities. This also means being totally present for the other person when they are speaking. This entails listening and paying full attention to someone when they are speaking. As well, it requires fully allowing yourself to take in their emotions while they are speaking. This is hard for many of us to do. It's also important not to be waiting for the person to stop speaking because we want to jump in there and respond to them. If you're jumping in that quick, chances say you weren't really paying full attention.

My personal challenge with intimacy is not about having faith that the other person will accept me as I am. It is about having faith that I am acceptable as I am. It's about feeling safe and secure enough, within myself, to allow my authentic self to shine through. And I have a feeling that that challenge is the same for most people.

I learned a lot that day, about intimacy and mostly about myself. Intimacy is an art; an art that takes time and soul searching to refine. It's about challenging ourselves to go past our fears and get real with ourselves, about our feelings, and our emotional needs. Without intimacy we are not relating to each other; we are merely talking at one another. Without intimacy we are hiding who we really are by showing others only what we want them to see. Without intimacy we are not being true to ourselves, let alone being loving and accepting of ourselves.

Call someone you care about today and grab a cup of coffee, tea or bottle of water with them. Then sit down and allow yourself to have an intimate chat with them. There's no better way to allow yourself the gift of being your authentic self. How self-loving is that?


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